I was doing a little research today for a project I’ll be working on through the month of June. That involved hitting the local drug store and Target to check out their greeting cards. I discovered two jokes have gotten big.
Fart Jokes
The fart joke is a classic, but has long been too crass for the world of greeting card humor. The humor of the greeting card is of the “groaner” style of comedy. The jokes aren’t designed to make you laugh. Rather, they are designed to physically injure you with lameness. As generation X starts shopping on QVS and caring too much about how the lawn is doing, their assinine sense of humor (which I am hardly above) is becoming more mainstream. The fart joke can be found fairly often in birthday cards, but it is most powerful in the father’s day card section. There is nothing a dad wants to know more on his day that the people who love him notice how gassy he is. Thanks assholes!!
I’m masturbating!
You would have to buy one of those sticky cards at Spencer’s Gifts when I was a kid to find a card that would imply that the author rubbed one out while crafting their festive wishes, but today you can get them anywhere. I have no need for a card like this, because the sentiment is more or less an understood in all areas of my life. Here’s my rent check, and you may want to wash your hands after you cash that! These are usually birthday cards. It would be pretty screwed up if one of these were to exist for Mother’s Day or Congrats on your new baby, not that the urge to hand pen one hasn’t been intense.
As recently as two or three years ago, I was against the idea of dressing up pets in little outfits.
For reasons I can’t put my finger on, I have totally changed my tune. I am now 100% behind the practice of putting clothes on dogs and cats, and I feel this way for the exact same reason I used to be against it.
It is totally demeaning and humiliating to the animal. Hilariously demeaning!!
God, just let that image wash over you like a cool breeze. Dog booties!
When I was a kid, my mom would more or less let us get any cereal we wanted. Actually, that’s half true. She let us think that, but she was really getting us any cereal she had a coupon for and lots of awful cereals my friends never got to try had lots of coupons. Normally we stuck to the Pebbles and the Cookie Crisp, but once in awhile we’d get something a little strange. Here are some of my “favorite” memories.
Nerd Cereal
Nerd cereal came in a normal box with two thin bags of cereal inside for each of the different flavors. Nerd cereal was a cruel, cruel mistress. At first It tasted quite good and was very crunchy. Unfortunately, 30 seconds later you were left with a disgusting soup of fruit flavored milk mud. Disgusting.
OJ’s
OJ’s was an orange flavored cereal. In the spirit of the chocolate cereals the exist to this day that leave you with chocolate milk to sip up, OJ’s was awesome enough to leave your milk orange juice flavored. This cereal lasted one year, and I was about 5 when it was out. I remember that EVERY time my brother and I picked out cereal, we pondered a box of OJ’s. The part of my brain that wants to dress up a little dog as Theodor Roosevelt said YES. The part of my brain that remembers to put on pants in the morning said NO.
Nintendo Cereal
It’s a cereal! WOW! That lyric haunts me to this day.
Nintendo (or NIN! TEN! DO!) Cereal was an other split box production like nerds. I think this was made by Ralstons. They were and continue to be the go to people for media tie-in cereals, and if I am not mistaken, they also make pet food. The taste of their cereal should be a dead give away. Most of their stuff is rebranded generics or a weird mix of stuff. Donkey Kong cereal was just Captain Crunch. The Crunches were supposed to be barrels. Spider-man cereal was chex mix “webs” and marshmallow spider-man shapes.
The Mario side was sort of Mario shaped Trix pieces. It wasn’t bad, but nothing to write home about. The Zelda side of the box was a fucking nightmare of horror. It tasted like death, and the only edible bits were the chex mix “nets”. The Zelda series didn’t include a net of any kind until years later, and even then it was a bug net. (NERD RAGE!!!!!!)
Smores Crunch
This is the greatest cereal I or anyone else has ever had. Do not confuse this with Smorz cereal. That crap has nothing on Smores Crunch. It even ends with a Z like a sad parody of itself. Smores Crunch was basically Golden Grahams, but the pieces were drizzled with chocolate junk instead of boring ass nothing, and it was mixed with little marshmallows. OH MY GOD and you could make Smores bars with it! They were like rice crispy bars only FROM HEAVEN!!!! (You can still make these with Golden Grahams, but you’d be fooling yourself.)
