In the last seven days I have accomplished the following life goals

1. Puncture foot with nerdy video game themed belt buckle. The result was severe pain and trouble walking for several days. Had I punctured my foot on a cool belt buckle that had something awesome like my name or a scorpion ensconced in amber in it, I am sure I would have been transported to a spirit realm where an old Native American who was also a coyote would have gifted me the sacred mantel of the Puma Man. Nope. Just a tetanus booster from a nice nurse practitioner.

2. I got really sick. This may not sound exciting, until you realize I am now one step closer to being immune to every disease.
3. Finally (and I can’t overstate how much this better be finally), this morning I got up to go to the bathroom, I began to urinate in the appropriate and agreed upon manner of men, and just as I finished, I decided to take a hasty and unscheduled power nap. If anything, I am all about sleep efficiency. Unfortunately, in my urgent rush to escape consciousness, I had forgotten that we do own one of those grandma toilets with the pillowy surfaces perfect for collapsing onto from a standing position after a hard day of standing around peeing. I wasn’t awake for the violence that transpired next, but briefly after settling down I was rudely awakened by my fiance who was “deeply concerned”, removed my hand from the urine filled bowl I was soaking it in (toilet water and urine are great for softening the skin), and dressed the seeping wounds on my arm for which I do not have a joke. Ugh. Way to ruin my morning, SWEETY. Then I went to work and told everybody the truth because no one there knows who Chris Brown is or why my appearance would be funny if I said I was dating him or why that joke would be just so catty. Rawr…