I’ve really fallen off my hard schedule of updating this blog like clockwork once every month or so or whenever I feel like it or whenever a new blog software release comes out and I need to test it out…

I’m here now, though.

So as I mentioned in what was probably my last update, I am engaged to be married. The date is sometime in May, so things are starting to get a little crazy with the plannings and the organizings. In all of this craziness, we as a couple are learning a lot about what it takes to put one of these wedding thangs together, and when I say “we as a couple”, I just mean her.

Now the fiance (pronounced fee-ants) has been using her experiences to help or possibly lecture a word-wide audience on wedding tips utilizing the irresponsible liberal owned blogosphere. That got me thinking. I have a irresponsible liberally owned blog! So why not share my wealth of wedding knowledge with my halves of dozens of readers (most of whom are married or unmarriable) !?

Tim’s really great wedding ideas that are totally sweet!

Part 1: The Proposal

The proposal is probably the most important thing you will ever do in your sad, empty shell of a life. That said, you do not want to over think it. You risk raising the bar much to high. If you get your potential sweetheart’s expectations too high, you’re going to burn yourself out after a few years of marriage. Remember, marriage is forever or until one of you dies. If you are both immortal, you may just want to consider living together for awhile to make sure neither of you is overcome with the urge to behead the other and absorb their power in a process known as the quickening.

The first thing most men worry about when it comes to the proposal is the ring. Now according to the diamond industry, you should purchase a ring that costs the equivalent of three months salary. The diamond industry is well known for having people’s best interests at heart, so the three month rule is absolutely correct and written in stone. As a matter of fact, I keep my stone on my desk as a paper weight, where it currently weighs down an ever increasing pile of credit card past due notices and my will to live.

This elegant ring doubles as four rings. Be sure your ring is cast in a precious metal such as wood.

Now before you start selling plasma at the blood bank or your dignity behind the blood bank, I have tons of helpful tips on how to circumvent the three month salary rule.

• Quit your job for three months
• Never get married

The last option (or Final Solution) is to use your grandmother’s wedding ring. This can add a lot of sentimental value to the proceedings, but your grandmother will probably be upset with you trying to take her ring if she is not currently dead. In that most unfortunate of cases, consider inviting her on an skiing trip. Just you and her along on a freezing mountain top. Her frail body just a quick push away from the black diamond course. Maybe she is more into hunting. Remember, accidents happen, and grandma probably had a long, eventful life. I will ask grandpa if he ever stops crying. While it is true that everyone will miss her, it is time to move on and think about your future with whats-her-face.

More to come…