So now assuming she said yes or you signed the recieved line on the delivery box for your mail order bride, you are officially engaged. Congratulations! May you two share a long and happy life together!

A side note if you got a mail order bride. If police procedural shows have taught me anything (and they have taught me EVERYTHING) it is that your long and happy life together will be about 10 months and end in a grusome murder. Your entire body may never be found, but your wife and her swarthy boyfriend from the old country will be discovered in a cheap motel outside of Vegas. No one will mourn you as every conversation about your tragic end will just get back to how screwed up ordering a life partner out of a catalog is you disgusting freak.

So now you’re engaged! Savor it. You’re only engaged once! That is assuming a lot, but that’s what getting married is all about. Assumptions!

There are a few things you’re going to want to do the moment you get engaged. I’ve created a list to help you since we both know you’re very forgetful and need things written down.

1. Call your parents! This is assuming they aren’t currently there. You can still call them if they are in the room, but then you’ve got the “wacky” sense of humor of an engineering student or you are wearing a bike helmet and rubber underpants and just proposed to the nice orderly who brought you lunch.
2. Have your first argument with your parents over the wedding. Some people will threaten to elope here. Resist that urge. Physical threats are the way to go in this delicate situation. Threaten to “karate their balls” and “leave their minds shitnotized”
3. crying jag
4. Call your friends! If you are a straight male, expect to be called a homosexual. Do not be offended. This is simply a straight man’s way of saying he is happy for you and wishes you and your new family the best but is culturally required to act macho. If your male friend says “I am happy for you and wish you and your new family the best”, he really means “I hate that bitch”. If he says “Don’t speak! I know what you’re saying. I don’t need your reasons. Don’t tell me cuz it hurts”, he is reciting the lyrics to a mid-90s No Doubt song.
5. Watch one of those movies on the Sci-Fi channel where the title of the movie is the name of an animal followed by “planet”, “nightmare”, or “train”. Repeat steps 1 and 4. Repeat step 3.

More to come…

I’ve really fallen off my hard schedule of updating this blog like clockwork once every month or so or whenever I feel like it or whenever a new blog software release comes out and I need to test it out…

I’m here now, though.

So as I mentioned in what was probably my last update, I am engaged to be married. The date is sometime in May, so things are starting to get a little crazy with the plannings and the organizings. In all of this craziness, we as a couple are learning a lot about what it takes to put one of these wedding thangs together, and when I say “we as a couple”, I just mean her.

Now the fiance (pronounced fee-ants) has been using her experiences to help or possibly lecture a word-wide audience on wedding tips utilizing the irresponsible liberal owned blogosphere. That got me thinking. I have a irresponsible liberally owned blog! So why not share my wealth of wedding knowledge with my halves of dozens of readers (most of whom are married or unmarriable) !?

Tim’s really great wedding ideas that are totally sweet!

Part 1: The Proposal

The proposal is probably the most important thing you will ever do in your sad, empty shell of a life. That said, you do not want to over think it. You risk raising the bar much to high. If you get your potential sweetheart’s expectations too high, you’re going to burn yourself out after a few years of marriage. Remember, marriage is forever or until one of you dies. If you are both immortal, you may just want to consider living together for awhile to make sure neither of you is overcome with the urge to behead the other and absorb their power in a process known as the quickening.

The first thing most men worry about when it comes to the proposal is the ring. Now according to the diamond industry, you should purchase a ring that costs the equivalent of three months salary. The diamond industry is well known for having people’s best interests at heart, so the three month rule is absolutely correct and written in stone. As a matter of fact, I keep my stone on my desk as a paper weight, where it currently weighs down an ever increasing pile of credit card past due notices and my will to live.

This elegant ring doubles as four rings. Be sure your ring is cast in a precious metal such as wood.

Now before you start selling plasma at the blood bank or your dignity behind the blood bank, I have tons of helpful tips on how to circumvent the three month salary rule.

• Quit your job for three months
• Never get married

The last option (or Final Solution) is to use your grandmother’s wedding ring. This can add a lot of sentimental value to the proceedings, but your grandmother will probably be upset with you trying to take her ring if she is not currently dead. In that most unfortunate of cases, consider inviting her on an skiing trip. Just you and her along on a freezing mountain top. Her frail body just a quick push away from the black diamond course. Maybe she is more into hunting. Remember, accidents happen, and grandma probably had a long, eventful life. I will ask grandpa if he ever stops crying. While it is true that everyone will miss her, it is time to move on and think about your future with whats-her-face.

More to come…